Monday I was traipsing about Williamsburg when I saw a sign in front of Mulholland's advertising "Free Beer 8-9pm." Now, I'm no economist, but this sounded like a pretty good deal. However, it was only 10pm and the bar was completely empty. It seems like there should have been at least a few freeloading stragglers, but no--apparently free beer just wasn't enough.

This might have been because Mulholland's is a fairly non-descript sports bar right in the middle of Hipstertown, USA. I've passed by on Friday nights and seen it barely occupied while Clem's, just a block away, was packed to the gills. Occasionally if there is a big game, say, the Super Bowl, there will be a respectable number of people there, but I think it's fair to say that if free beer doesn't bring in a crowd, not much will.

The problem is a matter of taste. Hipsters enjoy sporting events only if they are ironic (see The Gutter, McCarren Park kickball, etc.), so a slick, modern look coupled with un-ironic $2 Jäger shot specials were probably a bad idea.

Seven easy steps for turning Mulholland's around:

1. Weathered photos of old-school sports heroes like Vince Lombardi and Dr. J.
2. Table hockey games circa 1970.
3. Skeeball!
4. No drinks called the "Orange Flirtini."
5. For the love of god, slick doesn't work in Williamsburg. Just distress the hell out of everything in your bar and you're good to go. Everything should look like it was built in 1935.
6. Indie rock jukebox featuring ironic nods to your sports bar theme like "Eye of the Tiger."
7. If you must be about sports, focus on soccer games. Hipsters love to pretend they know things about soccer, and the numerous Italians and French people in the 'hood would totally be into it.

There are definitely sports fans in Williamsburg, they are just a picky people with an aversion to anything that looks like it could just as easily exist in midtown. In Mulholland's defense, I've heard that the staff is super-friendly, so all it needs is a makeover. Or it could just start paying people to drink there.

Photo courtesy of Bunny Mendelbaum's blog

You used to be an athlete--back when Madonna was a regular, misbehaving pop-tart and you actually paid for music on things called CDs. Now you have things called responsibilities. You're the person you promised you'd never be--the one with a "skill set," who goes to meetings and writes memos. And so, by necessity (if by "necessity" I mean the increasing need to feel numb), you've honed a new talent: Drinking for sport.

Tonight (August 8, 2008) while the "real" athletes parade themselves at the Opening Ceremonies in Beijing, you have the opportunity to showcase your stuff officially at the Beer Olympics. Beginning during happy hour, you can enter the games at The Village Pourhouse (64 3rd Avenue, at 11th Street). The cost of $25 earns you playing beer, which you'll need for events like flip cup, beer pong and quarters. Prizes will be awarded to top finishers and competitors are encouraged to show their patriotism by dressing in their country's colors. So chug some beer, display your finest ping pong ball tossing form and go for the gold. Then laugh at the gymnasts and shot putters on TV, because none among those amateurs could handle more than a six-pack.

Also, in the interest of staying elite, check out our restaurant and bar deals for more ideas on where to booze.