If you're one of the poor schmucks who has to work today, by 6pm you're going to need to freebase a bottle of scotch--and not just because it's Monday. Today is that holiest of all holidays: March 17, aka, St. Patrick's Day, and we've compiled a list of the city's best Irish bars so you can toast the patron saint until the wee hours of the morn and worry about the hangover later (just like a true Irishman). And if you don't own any festive St. Paddy's Day clothing, don't worry--chase a few shots of Guinness with a few pints of Jameson and you'll turn green anyway.

Click through to read our complete guide to St. Patrick's Day in NYC.

(Image courtesy of MyTVLife.com)

Kim Kardashian will host a party tonight at Room Service to celebrate the season premiere of her E! reality show, "Keeping Up With the Kardashians." We're told that bottle service is highly recommended, "if you want to party next to the perennial party girl."

Looking for something to do this weekend that's lower on the maintenance, higher on the heavy boozing? How about the 10th annual St. Patty's Day pub crawl. Thirty bars all across the city are participating in this year's event by offering $1 Bud Light drafts and $2 well drinks to all crawlers. The festivities commence on Saturday at noon and resume on Monday at 5pm--which means you'll have ample time to celebrate St. Patrick's Day before you get fired on Tuesday for coming to work drunk. Again.

If you're not interested in an organized pub crawl but you do want to get drunk on Monday, consult our official guide to St. Patrick's Day. And finally, for more things to do, check out our weekly Hot List of events. No, seriously--check it out. If I have to update it every day, the least you can do is feign interest.

In a recent article entitled "Checking Up On Your Spring Break Reveler," the New York Times (always ahead of the curve) describes spring break thus:

Spring break can be a stressful time for parents of college students. Not surprisingly, students on spring break outings with friends dramatically increase their alcohol consumption, the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs reported this fall. Last year, the medical journal Chronobiology International published a study tracking patterns of sexually transmitted disease. Among the trends they found were prominent peaks in March and May. The authors speculated these increases could be associated with the sexual activities of young adults during spring break, which commences as early as late February and concludes as late as mid-April.

What's that you say? College students are getting wasted and being promiscuous whilst gallivanting around the tropics? Have they no shame?!

But it gets worse for these irresponsible undergraduates, according to the Times, because now their parental units might be watching in real-time as their precious Lit majors engage in assorted acts of deviousness and debauchery. That's thanks to Earthcam, a free site dedicated to 24-hour live-broadcasting of popular spring break destinations on the web.

I know what you're thinking: "So, in other words, 'Girls Gone Wild' is now available via free live feeds?" Well, not exactly. Says the Times, "The scenes they show are largely uneventful, and the images are transmitted in a choppy, time-lapse format. From time to time rain, ocean mist or nightfall dims the view." So I guess spring break isn't ruined after all--thankfully, since doing whatever it is we've all done on spring break is precisely what prevents people from becoming president 30 years down the line. Oh wait, no it's not!

Don't forget to check out our guide to partying like it's spring break without leaving the Isle of Manhattan.

(Photo borrowed from BreakNow.com)

Are you losing sleep over why it's still February? So am I, or at least I would be, if I had any curiosity about the inner workings of the Gregorian Calendar. Nevertheless, as everyone knows, every four years we tack an extra day onto February--which the crack team over at NASA describes as "relatively rare," as if a Leap Day is an unusual strain of a deadly virus, rather than something that has taken place every four years since 46 B.C.--and today is that day.

So, in keeping with its tendency to use anything, no matter how banal, as an excuse to throw a party and get people wasted, the Village Pourhouse is celebrating Leap Day with, um, a party where people are gonna get wasted. Specifically, for those born on February 29, this is your chance to celebrate your birthday (on the actual anniversary of your birth) with free beer, and a bunch of activities that probably don't matter as much as the part about free beer:

After four long years of waiting, it is finally time! Calling Leap Year Babies everywhere! Embrace your inner-child and come down to the Village Pourhouse for a birthday party right out of your childhood dreams. Whether it is your sixth, seventh, or eighth, this will be a birthday to remember. There will be bright balloons, fun decorations, delicious cake, and boisterous activities to bring you way back. Don’t miss out on our Pin-the-Tail-on-the Donkey. Be sure to take a big swing at our piñata filled with adult favorites such as drink tickets and free bar tabs at the Village Pourhouse. If you show proof you are an actual leap year baby, you will drink free Bud and Bud Light from 7-9pm.

So, to all the Leap Day babies, head to 11th Street & Third Avenue tonight at 6:59pm to take full advantage of the festivities, and to meet a bunch of bat-wielding, piñata-breaking, 7-year-old drunks.

And if that doesn't appeal to you, check back soon--I can't even imagine what the Pourhouse has planned for Daylight Savings next weekend.

(Photo courtesy of the Village Pourhouse)

It's Valentine's Day, and while I'll be on a plane to Palm Beach (because that's just how I roll), we've put together some things that might help the rest of you avoid taking your own lives. Let the annoying public displays of affection commence ...

Best places to play tonsil hockey

Seal the deal with a fancy romantic dinner

Flowers: Because nothing says "I care" like a plant that will die tomorrow

Screw love--all you need is booze

(Image borrowed from the Pisstakers)

Do you think chocolate and flowers are gifts that should be reserved for the terminally ill?

So do we. That's why we're protesting the most useless Hallmark holiday of them all with a special anti-Valentine's Day feature that pays tribute to all things un-romantic.

So, if you're just looking for a bar to get drunk (like any other Thursday night) try Scores--where the only Valentine you'll meet is a stripper with a poorly chosen stage-name. Or, if you're looking to party with other bitter, lonely and desperate singles, head to the Screw Valentine's Day Party, or the Second Annual Anti-Valentine's Day Ball, where strangers in the night will become friends until morning. 

And no matter how you choose to spend Valentine's Day, remember: All you need is love--of booze. Click through to read the complete Anti-Valentine's Day Planner, or if you're one half of a couple that makes me sick, maybe this is more your bag.

(Photo borrowed from Stuck in The '80s)

After their stunning victory in Green Bay last week, the New York Giants will be facing off against the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII, just four days from now.

Now, to be fair, I wholeheartedly support the Super Bowl--or any event that promotes the excessive consumption of beer and chicken wings. But believe it or not, there are some people who simply couldn't care less about football, much less Super Bowl Sunday.

Unlike your friends and family, we understand that just because you may be un-American, doesn't mean you don't want to get drunk on Sunday like every other self-respecting member of society. And that's why we put together a little something called "Just Say No to the Super Bowl," our official list of spots where you can spend Super Bowl Sunday boozing and schmoozing without any Super Bowl-related nonsense coming between you and your weird football-hating friends.

But back on planet Earth, the rest of us will be watching the game, most likely at one of these sports bars.